I’m really freaked coz I’ve been doing the same thing over and over again each day, and I’m starting to think, what if I’m going to be doing just these all my life? What if I’m not going anywhere? What if my goals would only be kept deep in a black box of un-achieved dreams until I’m old,and alone, and have 27 cats.

Doing the same thing over and over again, get me so unmotivated to at least start doing anything else! I am not really interested in sewing clothes anymore. I bought this lace fabric in turquoise and it’s really really pretty. But I haven’t even finished the drawing of the plan yet. And I’m not really interested in posting up outfits pictures anymore. I only managed to read 2-3 books. And some of them I even keep on reading again and again. And they’re just novels, I’m nowhere to bringing my thinking cap back to my head!

I want to work! I wanted to work since forever.., not literally. Since after A-lvels, before I’ll start doing anything else. But I’m still not! It’s so hard to have soo much temptations to buy things but you just can’t. It’s hard being a girl u know? Okay, speaking for myself. I’m not really that kind of high maintenance girl or something like that, but I NEED some things! Eventhough I don’t know where to wear it to!

I’m waiting to continue with my degree/piloting license though. I just cant wait.

But with the recession and all, I’m not going to take up private flying schools. It’s so hard to find pilot jobs nowadays. There are just too many people! It’s a very good investment if you could get a job straight after graduating, but with the recession and all, pilots losing jobs in the US, other people losing jobs, I’m not going to take the risk. Plus I have a friend who just graduated MFA and still jobless. Mann, that’s scary. Like I have to pay up the loan after study. But with no income whatsoever, how am I going to pay back the loan?

The only way to become a pilot, is through AirAsia, because I’m a girl. Ohh mann, I’m praying hardd!

So, I’m thinking, if I’m going to pursue a degree, the normal way, (pfft) what am I going to do? What can I imagine myself doing for the rest of my life, and could I cherish every moment of working so it would all be worth it? I don’t know mann, I’m taking it slowly, I don’t want to rush things up. I don’t want to end up regretting the path that I’ve chosen.

I don’t feel like I’m a pilot-material. I mean, I’m interested in other things, fashion stuffs, and make-ups, and clothes, and shoes. And money-making. And public relations thingy. And writing songs, and music. I’ve had some hard times making decisions, and I lack confidence sometimes. I lose focus easily. And part of me says I can’t do it.

But.., I’m also brave and like to try new things, and adventurous, and I can be serious and disciplined if I want to. I take orders as it is, and I can be pretty strict if I’m a leader of a group. I love beautiful and breath-taking sceneries, I love travelling, I want to fly.. And I’m like, really bright if I REALLY try (nothing to boast).

And I don’t know if a bright person should take up arts. My mum said so too.

Mann, it would be easier if I didn’t get straights A’s for SPM, and am really stupid. OR if I’m NATURALLY brilliant, and HATE all these art stuffs, and DON’T have dreams of owning my own boutique or fashion lines. It would be SO much easier to choose!!!!!!

Mann, I’m really torn. And I’m back to square one. :’((

Just wanna holler at those people who have taken their time to wish me a happy birthday yesterday. I love you people!

Yes, I just turned the big 2.0.

The feelings? Mixed. Very overwhelming. Ambitious yet scared shit.

Have to think a bit more like an adult, as I feel so much like a child still.

I love my character now. Though oblivious, I feel happy.

Okay, I know this is like ridiculous. But I want to tell you people something.

I just started a diet programme meant for myself. 3-months-without-rice diet. Just want to get a little thinner and healthier. Exercise, and then without rice, would surely be easier to lose some weight right? So yeah, it’s been 4 days including today. But the amount/calories of food I eat is too small. Sigh. I just thought that if I write it down for public to see, it would be harder for me to break this diet! It would be embarrassing! :p

Just the other day I was hanging out in front of the TV and was watching Glee, I think. My dad was reading newspapers on the table behind the couch I was sitting.

Suddenly he said something undecipherable, like in amazement, because he was astounded by a pair of shoes he was seeing on the paper. I think it was the ‘Life and Times’ section. And he called me to see the shoes! Which was weirdd, but okay, since he knows that I have this amazing pair of shoes, that I really love. And I would love it more if I can wear it on a daily basis without hurting my feet. HAHA

Okay, so without taking a glance, I was like “Heh, that must be Alexander McQueen’s right?”. And he went, “How did you know that??”. LOL!

It’s old news dad, all the fashion-conscious people knew about it at least a few months back. What other kind of shoes would get people that excited? And ‘Life and Times’ is just not really that up-to-date. Pftt. Nuff said.

I would love to at least try these on someday. Ghaaa~

I hate being around people who thinks cursing and swearing are cool.

Especially when they swear in Malay words. :S

Forgive me for the one week unplanned hiatus. The internet was not playing nice with me, and believe me, I’m seasoned enough not to throw tantrums about it. And when the internet WAS available, somehow I just didn’t have the mood to update this poor blog.

Oh, this morning call to the Streamyx Customer Contact Centre would be the 100th time this week, congratulations Streamyx!

I was not myself yesterday, and of course, the victims would be the family members. Now I feel really guilty, but please, if I’m hurting anybody else, that means you’ve hurt me before and I’m just taking it all inside for as long as I can take before I went ‘poof-ROAR!!’. U know what I mean?

I can be a bitch. It’s a rare occasion, but I can be one. Especially when I’m having that ‘red’ time of the month. My mouth would get so light to talk back whatever I want, and my words would get as cold as ice. My heart would have no mercy, and the only one I care about is myself. My tears are easier to shed, and my heart gets easily torn. I am all of these when the hormones are kicking my veins.

The real me is calm and quiet. Non-sensitive, and all laughs. I can be a lot more to kind and caring. All about jokes and being happy.

But u know how when you’re surrounded by a number of people who are always bitter and rarely talks about his/her heart content to one another and feels that for you to love a man is a crime, how more discreet would you be about your life and your feelings.

Maybe that’s why I’m headstrong. Maybe that’s why I have low self esteem sometimes. Maybe that’s why I prefer to be on my own, out of this house.

Sometimes I just think of myself as a sad git, but there’s a lot more to me to think that way about myself. I like how I am now. I like how I am not a family person basically because the relationship is always a love-hate one. It’s all just a fucking mess. I am used to not opens up about my feelings just because if I do, it would be a crime. I am used to keeping it all inside, and I am used to appear happy on the outside. So, it’s okay. I’ll carry on.